Dear Kamiyasan
by UsagiKuro
Summary: Okita has been writing letter at the end of every year that Sei has been in the Shinsengumi secretly. Now, he gives her the letters before he dies.
1. Dear Kamiya-san,

**Hello peoples! Today is a very important date. It's the anniversary of Okita's death. Which makes me cry. But I won't! *sniff* I won't! Okay, maybe I will… either way, all references toward tuberculosis are real. I studied this. Anyway! I don't own Kaze Hikaru, or the characters and I take no profit from this at all. Kaze Hikaru belongs to Taeko Watanabe.**

_Kamiya-san,_

_I have to admit. You're fitting into the Shinsengumi quite well. You impressed me a great deal when you came back. I'd thought you'd gone forever. And, I'll be honest, I'm so glad you didn't._

_I can't imagine my life without you anymore. You've become my best friend and you mean so much to me. Be warned, I'm never going to say that aloud._

_Okita Souji_

_Kamiya-san,_

_We've been through a lot haven't we? Only this year we've been through more emotional situations then other people have in a lifetime. Emotional twist an turns…yes, we went through that just this year, and every year it seems. Now it's all started. What started, you ask? Well, _this _started. I don't know what it is._

_But when I see you with another man, I can't stand it. When you smile in the way that only you can at someone else, I wish I was that person. Whenever I see you I feel like there's some sort of weight in my chest, and it's only getting heavier._

_I wish someone would explain these feelings to me because I'm clueless._

_Okita Souji_

_Kamiya-san,_

_Well, now I know what those 'feelings' were. I love you. It's so weird to say. Or write, I guess._

_I'm not exactly fond of myself loving you. Oh no, I hate it. It's a weakness. I can't have a weakness._

_I'm supposed to be able to kill whoever, whenever I need to. You've changed that. I could never kill you. Not to save the Shinsengumi._

_I can see myself killing anyone, and I do mean anyone, else. But I just… I couldn't kill you no matter if I wanted to or not._

_What's the point of writing this down? I'm never going to give it to you. I'll just have to hope that one day you stumble across it._

_Kamiya-san,_

_I should probably tell you something. I have tuberculosis. The killer of all soldiers, they call it. I don't know about _all _soldiers but I do know it's the killer of me._

_I don't think I'll be telling anyone about this. No, I'd probably be sent somewhere else then. There's no need for that. This shall remain a secret._

_Anyway, I'm not really scared about dying. I've been prepared for that for a long time. I'm scared about leaving you. Who will protect you? I want to leave you to Saitou but… I don't like the idea of you spending so much time with him. Its not that I don't trust him. I know, it's selfish._

_I hope you'll discover this. There's so much I wish you'd discover. Everything, in fact. But I remain quiet. Silently waiting for you to catch on. Maybe someday you will._

_Okita Souji_

Sei gripped Okita's hand. He was dying. He was really dying. She couldn't stop it. He was leaving her. "Okita-sensei…"

Tears splashed onto Okita's cheeks that weren't his. He wiped her tears from her eyes with his thumb gently. "Oh, O-Sei-chan… you're still a crybaby, as always." He smiled softly at her.

Sei choked on a sob. "Y-you're so mean… joking at a time like this…" The words were meant to be scolding but lost all their effect by the tears that accompanied them.

Okita checked for the five letters to make sure they were still at his side. He picked them up and held them out to Sei. "Here. But don't read them till I'm gone, okay?"

Sei accepted the letters, confused. "What…?"

Okita placed a finger to her lips. "Shh. Just read them later."

OoOoO

"…Okita-sensei…?" Sei asked. She'd been rambling about whatever came across her mind to distract herself from Okita laying on his deathbed but he used to be occasionally nodding his head or saying 'Yes'. Now he was deathly quiet.

She grabbed his hand. "Okita-sensei? Okita-sensei!" Cold realization hit her. He was gone. Her hands shook and her eyes darted toward the letters that were sitting beside her. With still shaking hands she picked up the first paper and unfolded it.

Every word tore into her heart. She could feel her emotions be jerked this way and that. Eventually, she picked up the last letter. It was considerably longer then the rest, she noticed.

_Kamiya-san,_

_I'm writing this letter early_ _because I don't think I'll be around at the end of the year to write one. So here I am, writing, wondering why I can't say this too you aloud. It'd be so much easier. Yet, so much harder._

_I guess this is what you call a last effort. One last time to try to say those words that are so hard to find._

_You're probably gripping this paper so hard It's about to rip aren't you?_

Sei noticed that she was and loosened her grip.

_There. That's better. I wonder, are you fuming mad right now or crying? I can see you doing both. I'd love you no matter what you were doing._

_I found Hijikata's poem book today. I read into it a little and found a love poem. Maybe I'm just being stupid again but it made me think of you. Or, I guess, how I feel about you._

_Warm or cold, I love you._

_Brave or scared, I love you._

_Right or wrong, I love you._

_Clear skies or rain, I love you._

_Hopeful or giving up, I love you._

_Alive or dead, I will always love you._

_It was longer then that but Hijikata-san came in the room and snatched it away. He thought of some excuse too but I can't remember it. Isn't he adorable?_

_Anyway, what was my last words? Was it something pitiful? I always manage to put my foot in my mouth when I'm around you. I bet I didn't even say goodbye. Sorry, okay? Just pretend my last words were I love you, okay?_

_Tell Mitsu that she'll be okay. She needs to have a good life. She deserves it._

_I hate writing this. It's so pathetic. I'm pathetic. And don't you dare start to defend me. I know I am pathetic. I know it. Or, I was pathetic. I just brought it up again. I wish I would stop._

_I should talk about something cheerful. I don't know why but I can't right now. I'm usually happy enough for the both of us. Not to mention stupid enough._

_Don't cry too much. You don't have to cry my tears for me this time, I've already cried them. So you can take a break from your work this time. I know, I know, it's not funny. But I had to lighten the mood somehow._

_Remember, no matter what my last words were I was really thinking "I love you" . Never forget that. And if I did actually say that then there was no point to this. I'm sorry for wasting your time._

_Okita Souji_

Sei slowly lowered her hands. He was gone. Hew was really truly gone. "Never coming back" gone. Not just "gone for a while" gone. She covered her mouth in shock.

She knew, she knew that he was going to die. She had known how grave his illness had been. She knew that he wasn't going to survive but she had hoped beyond anything else that maybe, just maybe, he would have survived. She remembered the first time she had found out about his tuberculosis. She only wished she could have found a cure.

**Hello again! Did you like? Please tell me what you thought in a review! By the way, if you have been reading "The Plan" also by me, I'm trying to upload the next chapter but is being weird… :/ oh well. Although, I've been reading over it and it's not as good as I thought it was. I'll make some adjustments so Sei's not like she is in that fic… Sorry about that. See you soon! Ish.**


	2. He Would Want You To Be Here

**Yo! Heh heh... I love using "yo". It's kind of fun. ^^ But, that asides, though I didn't think that I would write another chapter to this story but I couldn't stop my self. I was inspired! Sorry about making you read ANOTHER angsty fnafic. Anyway, all things mentioned in this chapter are also true. All references, and whatnot. Enjoy!**

Sei put a hand over her mouth quickly to hold back the tears that waited patiently, ready to overflow. _Okita-sensei..._ she had beent here when he died so why did it surprise her now, to see him lying completely still, eyes closed, with his kimono crossed over the right instead of left? She shouldn't have been surprised. She shouldn't have started crying. This was life now. She should've just moved on. Wasn't she always supposed to be prepared for this? Wasn't that what Okita would want her to do?

People used to say that the final importance of ones life is based upon the number of people present at their funeral. There was not many people to rfememeber Okita. There was a few, not many at all. Even the rest of the troop wasn't there. They were away somewhere, what with the war and all. They hadn't even heard of his death yet. Only Sei had.

The only people who had bothered to attend were Sae, Kohana, Matsumoto, and a few others Sei didn't know. The simple white kimono Okita now wore did not suit his already pale face. _None_ of this suit him. _Death _didn't suit him. He wasn't supposed to die. He was supposed to live. He was supposed to be there fore her no matter what.

The ceremony began and Sei remained quiet in the back of the small crowd. What a way to shame Okita. After everything he had done for her, after how many times he had told her "I want people to smile at my funeral. I want people to remember the good, not the bad." she still cried. How could she still be here? Denying his wishes as she was. She didn't deserve to be here.

"Sei..." a small whisper came from beside her. She recognized the vocie as Matsumoto. "Don't be afraid to cry. Anyone would. And everyone is." Matsumoto gestured to the others.

"_What_ everyone? No ones here! No ones even here to remember him!" Sei's words were angry and sharp but quiet.

"You're here. That's what he would want most, Sei. He would want you to be here." Matsumoto's words caught Sei off guard. Could that be true? She wanted it to be, but she doubted it could ever be. But then... how could she forget the words of those letters? Maybe... maybe Matusmoto was right. Sei allowed her self a small smile. "Thank you," she said quietly.

After everyone had left, Sei approached the grave. "So, Okita-sensei... I cried as you told me not too. But at least I made sure you weren't cremated. Remeber? You said, 'I don't want to be cremated. I want to remain a part of this world in some way. I don't want to be ashes. I want to be burried with my katana and forever, even if I'm dead, be present in this world somehow.' That's what you said, anyway." Sei smiled softly kneeling down onto the freshly dug dirt. "Thank you, Okita-sensei. You provided me with much happiness." With that, she stood and left without looking back. How could she? She had cried already. She wouldn't allow herself to shame Okita anymore then that.

_"You're here. That's what he would want most, Sei. He would want you to be here."_ Sei held the words close. They were the only thing keeping her from running back and collapsing in sorrow.

**I hope it was satisfactory! :3 And maybe you could review...?**


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